Day 5 #bath My boys ... just thinking about Autism differently

Day 5 #bath My boys ... just thinking about Autism differently

I changed my plan for tonight's blog !

I will start by sharing, I have had a really bad, autistic day in the house and by writing this piece instead it's helping me put things back into perspective.

Those that know me will tell you I am not one for the limelight, I hate talking on stage and most deffo in front of the camera so this is a mega deal for me to put our life out onto the big wide web, especially in the way I have … it just shows you how passionate I am about Autism and getting the world to think differently about my boys … and their autism, if just one person thinks differently then the time spent will be worth it, I will have gained my art work and hopefully changed someone’s path in life.

So in a way tonight's blog is really one of the most important parts of this #bath project, I am hoping that someone somewhere shares or reads this … I've had a bad day, to much to write about but lets just say that a person or family somewhere has more than likely had exactly the same sort of day or worse. They could be hitting rock bottom right now as I write, wondering where to go and who it is they ask those all important questions.

like …

Do you think my child has something wrong with them ?

Why is he not sleeping ? Why does he not look at me ?

I am his mum and I think my child has autism, will you help me ?

Am I reading to much into it ? Is it me ?

The first question I would answer … will you help me ! At my lowest point it was my husband and sister that had a hand in bringing me back … I listened to people saying how taking your own life is the most inconsiderate thing you can do to someone you love … I hear talk of 'how could they leave their family that way, they must not have cared for their loved ones'.

It's not about care .. love or respect its about being stood on that cliff top looking out to nothing, l call it crossing over to the unhinged side or in my case taking the car for a drive hoping to drive it straight at a tree, not one for drawing up a detailed plan me … I cared more than anyone will ever know, I cared so much that it made me sicker, I'd cared that much it put me in that driving seat.

Whether you are caring for an autistic child or not the most important reason to get up in the morning is you, if you cannot take care of yourself what chance has anyone else got with you on their side … As my mental state got to full blown panic attacks and the fear of hurting my children got to saturation point consuming my every minute, awake or asleep .. I put my hand out not for help but just to brake my silence, thankfully my family were there … I then took the next step and somehow mustered up the strength to put volume into my voice so that I could be heard and in a way I am still doing that volume thing right now.

So what have l learnt from the last twelve years … knowing my stress points and how too best deal with them … I will always have them, there will always be another battle for me ... from seeing some random person watching me and jumping to there conclusion to me jumping to my own conclusion about what they think of me and my beautiful children …my sense of humour helps to get me through, I mean who goes out in the wee small hours of the night wearing nothing but a nightie and had my plan worked, think of the poor ambulance crew .. they would have had a awful fright.

They say a wise person learns from someone else mistakes … my mistakes have been my path, if I had learnt to ask for help I would have been a lot wiser a lot sooner !!

Hope you enjoy tonight’s #bath picture. My boys … just thinking about Autism differently